Applied EI Newsletter Issue 11

Issue 11 February 2006

2006 looks like being an exciting year for the CAEI as we head towards our conference in September. Find the date and details for your diaries below. During the months ahead of the conference we aim to bring you many more quality articles linked to the main conference themes along with our regular and some new features.

We’re kicking off 2006 with a more in depth look at the Individual Effectiveness Profile – the diagnostic profiling tool created by Tim Sparrow (CAEI) and Jo Maddocks (JCA Occupational Psychologists Ltd). For the next 17 issues we shall share our knowledge and insights in an overview of each of the 17 scales starting with Self Regard. We hope this will be an excellent reference tool for those readers who use the Individual Effectiveness Questionnaire with clients as well as those of you who have your Individual Effectiveness Profile. As a reader of AppliedEI, every overview will be of interest to you, regardless of your familiarity with the profile, in that it explores each of the 17 facets that make up our emotional intelligence.

Richard Harvey and Amanda Knight throw the spotlight on you as a leader in their article Senior Leadership – Being the Change. They highlight authenticity, pro-activity and integrity as the outcomes of EI based personal development and urge you to consider your transformational development while you have the choice.

Each issue of AppliedEI has a reference list for you of all our previous articles with direct links to these. We are happy for you to use these articles in other electronic or printed publications provided you acknowledge copyright to the CAEI and include www.appliedei.co.uk or www.emotionalintelligence.co.uk in the credits.

Remember you can contact us with any comments, questions or contributions either by email
e-zine@appliedei.co.uk or by blog www.appliedei.blogspot.com

Do let us know your views on or suggestions for AppliedEI.

Maureen Bowes
Editor

In this Issue:

Senior Leadership – Being the Change
Individual Effectiveness Scale 1: Self Regard
An Example of Applied EI – Self Regard
Features Index
Products and Services listing

STOP PRESS • STOP PRESS • STOP PRESS

A one-day conference from the CAEI

Applied Emotional Intelligence:
Maximising Your Organisation's Potential

Wednesday 20 September 2006
The Marriott Windsor/Slough

£295 plus VAT

An informative and interactive day is assured for delegates who come to seek the answers to the 21st Century dilemma - how do you use emotional intelligence to maximise your organisation's potential?

Here’s what you will discover:

	What emotionally intelligent leadership is and how it fits in with other leadership models
	Case studies from organisations who are applying emotional intelligence today including the NHS and the Skandia Group
	A new emotional intelligence diagnostic to determine the emotional health of your organisation
	The part emotional intelligence plays in Change, coaching, stress management, and team and personal development
	Your own personal EI profile with feedback – FREE! (worth £100 plus!)

Full booking details will be in the March issue of AppliedEI.
If you would like to pre-register your place(s), email conference@appliedei.co.uk

Please contact us with any comments or contributions:
e-zine@appliedei.co.uk

Please feel free to email this issue on to anyone you think would benefit from this ezine. This ezine can also be viewed online at: www.emotionalintelligence.co.uk/
ezine/issue11.html

Past Issues can also be viewed online:
Issue 1, Issue 2, Issue 3, Issue 4, Issue 5, Issue 6, Issue 7, Issue 8, Issue 9, Issue 10

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Finding the time for Self Development
Being In the Zone
feature Regard for Others
New book on AppliedEI
Conference update

“For fast-acting relief from stress, try slowing down." *
Lily Tomlin, comedian

Activate Training who sponsor this ezine are development training partners of the CAEI.
www.activate-training.co.uk

In Richard’s article on Facilitating Organisational Change in Issue 7 he highlighted the crucial importance of leaders ‘walking their talk’ during Change.

“Whatever attitudinal or behavioural changes you wish to see in your employees, it is essential that the organisational leaders act consistently as role models.”

In this article we look at what it means to ‘Be the Change’ – why this is so essential, and the challenges facing leaders in their own personal development if they are to achieve this.

Reactive v Proactive Change

Firstly we need to make a distinction between the “push” of reactive change imposed by organisational necessity, and the “pull” of proactive change made as a self-development choice by individual leaders.
As readers of this e-zine, you will most likely be aware of the factors that seem to lead to a consensus among both academics and practitioners of a need to move from transactional leadership (leadership through “command & control” and something that is done to people) to the current emphasis on transformational leadership, where leaders create the conditions, through their behaviours and environmental influence, to best free-up individual potential and contribution.

FACTORS DRIVING THE MOVE FROM TRANSACTIONAL TO TRANSFORMATIONAL LEADERSHIP
	Flattening of management structures
	Distributed leadership and decision-making
	Flexible contracts, project work, partnerships and alliances
	Legislation on behalf of workers
	Demanding expectations of generation x and y - the end of deference to authority figures - desire for variety, choice and flexibility: the end of the “job for life” - increased higher education - work/life balance
	Human capital – employees as investors of their knowledge and networks
	Recognition of the benefits of diversity and non-conformism, creativity and innovation, etc
	The information age – easy access to information and IT
	The speed required to deal with complexity, eg globalisation
	Increasing customer demands and changing demographics

Organisations where the predominant and accepted leadership style is more transactional are likely to be those that are most out of step with the changing social and political environment in which it operates, and so increasingly is out of step with changing customer needs. We would see these organisations as low in collective EI. (See also Richard’s article in issue 1 “Organisational Development and EI”)

In organisations with low collective EI, the need for a culture of transformational leadership is often only addressed as a reactive need to massive organisational change. The required structural changes can only be implemented successfully through people and so, without transformational leadership, change will be problematic.

In such situations, leaders often will not possess previous experience to draw upon, or naturally possess the degree of flexibility and emotional resilience needed to separate their personal reactions from their professional responsibilities. These responsibilities include transforming their own behaviours and creating the conditions that will lead their people through their respective emotional responses to change. Some leaders will find themselves stuck, unable to do what is required. Others will be toxic to the organisation’s progress, for example, they will take out their negative emotions on their people.

Leaders with the capability to lead radical change are rare and tend to be in great demand. Alan Leighton, for example - currently rolling out radical change at Royal Mail - is probably best remembered for his part in the turnaround of Asda in the 1990s.

But developing the capability for transformational leadership does not have to be as a reaction to organisational change. Ideally, the opportunity to “be the change” is self-generated – a proactive choice made by the leader, perhaps as a response to experiencing a career plateau, or as a result of a realisation of a shift in attitudes after experiencing radical change in their personal lives, or through a powerful source of inspiration.
We see this as choosing to develop one’s emotional intelligence: before transforming others, leaders must transform themselves.

Advice From A Leadership Guru

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world”
Mahatma Gandhi

An oft-quoted sentiment that now has sadly almost become a cliché – in danger of losing its impact because world leaders and development, training and change professionals alike (us included!) use it so often to illustrate a fundamental point.

To remove the cliché, imagine Mahatma Gandhi talking to you now on a one-to-one, saying to you – “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

What does this really mean to you as an individual, as a leader?
Be honest: are you really someone who has chosen to help others develop themselves? Or is leadership really an exercise in enhancing your ego?

Do you wish others would be as visionary, as effective, as tolerant, as organised, as broad-minded, as committed to the cause as you? Do you see them as less than perfect, with room for improvement? If your answer is yes (and we defy anyone except perhaps the likes of the Dalai Lama to deny this as we are only human after all!), then this is a barrier to modelling Gandhi’s wisdom for yourself.

It is not about managing the change or making the change happen. What Gandhi meant by ‘being the change’ is this:

“… before we can expect changes in others, before we can truly endeavour to make a difference in this complex world, substantial change has to occur within us – as individuals. Too often we focus on external change while neglecting the necessity of examining our own hearts. Are we willing, through the process of critical self-examination, to experience our own personal transformation?”†

To understand ourselves requires introspection, and being prepared to acknowledge parts of our self that we might prefer to ignore. A crucial quality of a transformational and emotionally intelligent leader is accurate self assessment and a willingness to receive honest feedback from others, as in 360º assessment. If we can’t recognise our strengths and weaknesses, how can we expect others to do the same? And if we don’t have this self knowledge, we cannot be authentic – rather we will attempt to cover up our perceived weaknesses which will challenge our integrity. We will portray an image of who we think we should be as a leader, or what we think people want us to be. We need to be able to stand by our own principles and values. Equally, we also need to listen to and respect others’ views and values so that we can lead for the good of the organisation, not just to increase our own power base.

Transformational personal change through introspection is accelerated through the process of reflective learning. Once we bring some new self-knowledge into our awareness we then need to do something about it to develop as a leader and as a human being.

The challenge of personal change is being prepared to step out of our comfort zone – that safe, comfortable place where we think we know ourselves, and can depend on our reactions and responses to our environment. As soon as we start to prod and probe, and destabilise what we thought to be true about ourselves, we delve into the realm of uncertainty – uncertainty of the validity of the behaviours we currently choose to display, or the values we hold dear, of the attitudes that underpin our sense of self.

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has courage to lose sight of the shore.”

But it is only through this uncertainty that we can come to discover our true self, the self that lies beneath our conditioned responses, the authentic self. And this takes perhaps the greatest courage of all – the courage to understand our thoughts and our feelings, and how these shape the person we project to the world.

Being a role model

So, are you a transformational leader who has transformed yourself? Are you an exemplary role model, a living example of the kind of employee you wish everyone in your organisation could be like, or of the kind of leader your training interventions advocate?

As Amanda discussed in her article in Issue 3, to be a transformational leader or change agent, you need to have healthy, emotionally intelligent attitudes.

Of course leadership skills such as critical thinking, creativity and political astuteness are vital too, and it is often these skills that move us up the corporate ladder or lead us to management positions on change projects. And they are essential when leading change at any level. But it is the underlying attitudes to these skills that determine whether or not we actually inspire people and enable them to follow us.

Creativity for example requires flexibility of mind – to be open to new ideas, concepts or directions, without needing to control the outcome. Political astuteness requires an awareness of others – to be able to understand where another is coming from, to recognise what their needs or issues are.

But to be truly open to creativity, we have to embrace the fact that we may not have the answer, and that someone else in our team could come up with the million dollar creative solution. If we are in anyway closing ourselves off to creative outlets because we are protecting our own positions we will a) limit our own creativity, and b) disempower those around us who are willing and able to contribute.

Have a go at saying the following:

I know I am creative.

There is always a solution to a problem or challenge.

I am the only person who can come up with good ideas in my team.

I am the only person who should come up with good ideas in my team.

As a team we are very creative and forward thinking.

Do you believe these statements?
Notice the feelings that arise within you when you make these statements.
Reflect on what comes into your awareness.

Equally, it is what we do with what we know about others’ agendas and needs that marks the difference between being a trusted leader or not. It is not enough to seek people’s views and opinions and give the impression that we have listened. We have to demonstrate that we value the needs of others and seek outcomes that will benefit everyone. So political astuteness in transformational leadership terms requires integrity. We must invite people to trust us, so that they may become willing to put their trust in our vision and decisions.

Again, have a go at saying the following:

I know how to really listen to people.

I can always read behind the words of what someone is saying.

I always take into account the needs of everyone involved in a decision.

What I want is not always what’s best for my organisation.

People trust that I will do right by them.

Do you believe these statements?
Notice the feelings that arise within you when you make these statements.
Reflect on what comes into your awareness.

So, whether “being the change” is as a result of a reactive organisational “push”, or as a proactive “pull” to seek to truly become a transformational leader, the journey is the same. Looking inside and seeking personal meaning and transformation has to happen before you can truly be the change for others. However, the external imposition of the reactive “push” may not allow you the time and space required for the full journey of personal transformation.
If you or your clients have not experienced transformational change as yet, you may want to consider taking the lead before circumstances outside your control remove that choice.

To understand why this is going to be so important we need to remember the predictions of leading business strategists such as Prof. Richard Scase, (Emeritus Professor of Organisational Behaviour at Kent University) and Dr Lynda Gratton, (Professor of Management Practice at the London Business School), which assert that the leaders of the future will need to be facilitators – leaders who enable others to develop their own leadership and potential. They will also be collaborative leaders, highly skilled in developing and sustaining mutually beneficial partnerships, and able to influence and lead non-employees and stakeholders. These both require a new set of skills and attitudes for leadership – emotionally intelligent skills and attitudes. Being a role model of transformational leadership or ‘being the Change’ cannot be achieved without these.

† The 2003 MLK Symposium Planning Committee for the University of Michigan’s 16th observance of the life and contributions of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

For a useful - if prescriptive – aid to leading organisational change see the article “Eight Steps to Transforming Your Organisation” by John Kotter in the Harvard Business Review, March-April 1995.

For an extended guide to effective leadership in the 21st Century see “The Leadership Mystique” (2001: Pearson Education) by Manfred Kets de Vries.

Printable version of this article

Self Regard (or Self Esteem) is Scale 1 of the questionnaire and is defined as ‘the degree to which we value and accept ourselves’. It forms the cornerstone of our theory of emotional intelligence and the use of the instrument. It is therefore the first of the 17 scales we shall be considering in this and subsequent articles.

Self Regard manifests as the feelings (emotional state) we have about our self concept (our identity or being, which may be conscious or unconscious) and can be considered in three parts:

our sense of belonging

our sense of personal power (self efficacy)

our sense of self acceptance or unique value.

Many of our readers will be familiar with the EI framework shown below, but may not have recognised how fundamentally all these four processes are affected by an individual’s Self Regard.

This is perhaps best understood if we take into account that it is not just a question of a person having low or high unconditional self regard in absolute terms. Most of us, most of the time, tend to believe (if unconsciously)

“I am only OK / acceptable /worthy if I ….,

and if I don’t ………, then I am not OK / unacceptable / unworthy.”

In other words, our OKness is conditional. What the condition(s) are will vary from person to person, depending largely on how the grown-ups treated us when we were children.

Common Conditions of Worth

1. Be Strong
This is the commonest condition of worth in the UK, particularly among men.
Be Strong = Don’t have, or at least don’t express, feelings or needs

2. Be Perfect
In other words Never be in the wrong; never make a mistake, however small.

3. Please Others
This is often common in women, and in people in the helping professions.
Please Others = Put others first and keep them happy.

4. Try hard … (and don’t succeed)
This is also common in men in the UK. In other words It is the trying that counts, not the achievement: suffering earns merit.

5. Hurry Up
Be quick and do lots of things at once; never relax or take your time.

The extent to which these conditions of worth influence our behaviour patterns is great because the experience of feeling “Not OK” is so unpleasant: we will do whatever is required to avoid that.

The condition of worth that has the most direct impact is the commonest one: Be Strong. Since being self aware involves being aware of our body and our feelings and needs, to the extent that we have a Be Strong condition of worth, then we will be likely to inhibit our self awareness, on which all the other processes depend. For example, people with a Be Strong condition of worth tend to be very bad at self management, particularly if the Be Strong is combined with a Try Hard.

Another example: people with a Please Others condition of worth will have problems with relationship management, even though they focus on this area. They will tend to be overdependent in personal relationships. They will be conflict avoidant and in order to please others and avoid conflict, they will often fail to stand up for themselves as they need to. They will often be inhibited about expressing their own feelings and needs (especially if the Please Others is combined with a Be Strong) – after all, it is the others who matter, not them.

Self Acceptance
In order to be fully self aware, you need to come from a position of unconditional self acceptance. For example, a boy who is brought up to believe that “boys mustn’t be scared” will not allow himself (as a boy, or later as a man) to be in touch with his fear. He will suppress it, and perhaps convert it into something else; such people sometimes act angry (and believe themselves to be angry) as a substitute for the fear that they do not allow themselves to feel. You will only allow yourself to see yourself as you really are, warts and all, if you believe that you are unconditionally OK, valuable and lovable, however you are. Otherwise the realisation that you are not fulfilling your conditions of worth, will provoke feelings of Not OKness, which are too painful to handle.

Self Regard and the EI Framework
Because Self Regard is so integrally linked with Self awareness, and Self awareness is the cornerstone of the EI framework, then Self Regard is the cornerstone of the cornerstone of EI. This is evidenced by the high correlation between Self Regard scores and scores on all the self management scales: scales 5 to 10.

These are arranged in order of the size of the correlation, so that the strongest connection is with Scale 5 Emotional Resilience. To the extent that you feel good about yourself, then to that extent you will find it easy to pick yourself up when things go wrong. But if your Self Regard is low, or is highly conditional, then you will take knocks hard and find it difficult to recover. Similarly with Scale 6, Personal Power: the higher your Self Regard, the more you are likely to see yourself as in charge of your life and the generator of your life outcomes, rather than the passive victim of others. And with Scale 7 Goal Directedness: the higher your Self Regard, the more likely you are to be effectively focussed on your personal goals, rather than drifting through life passively.

We also know that Self Regard forms one half of the life positions (see An overview of the Eight Principles Jo Maddock’s article in Issue 09) model, in combination with Regard for Others. However, they are not independent of one another, as we shall see in next month’s article.

Not only does Self Regard underlie the ‘life positions’ model, and link significantly with our overall model of the four processes of emotional intelligence, it also, in combination with Regard for Others, forms one of the eight principles of emotional intelligence. Following Principle 3 People are different, we have Principle 4 However you, and they, are is OK. Thus a fundamental aspect of being emotionally intelligent is to hold the “I’m OK. You’re OK.” life position, which we call the emotionally intelligent, or healthy, position. As it says on the front page of this e-zine every month “It’s all about attitude”, and the most fundamental attitude of all is your attitude towards yourself, closely followed by your attitude to other people in general.

Let us also link Self Regard to Timothy Gallwey’s concept of interferences. (The Inner Game Book Series which introduce the formula Performance = Potential – Interference.) These interferences are the beliefs and attitudes left over from childhood which inhibit our acting with emotional intelligence. The biggest interference of all, potentially, is the sense that we are not OK, i.e. a sense of low self regard. Babies are born with a sense of their own worth (or at least have this as soon as they acquire a sense of self). They only lose this, partially or largely, as a result of the unhelpful ways in which they are treated by the adults. Very often the most significant step towards being able to act with emotional intelligence is the identification and dismantling of this most fundamental of interferences: the shift from an attitude of one’s Not OKness to an attitude of unconditional OKness / acceptance (at least most of the time), from low Self Regard to high Self Regard.

Finally, a caveat: high self regard needs to be genuine. There are those who put themselves forward as very pleased with themselves, but who underneath feel Not OK about themselves. We shall look at these in more detail, and talk about how to identify them, in next month’s article on Scale 2, Regard for Others.

Case study:
J had been through a disciplinary procedure following a complaint from one of his team members. It was recommended he be given ‘management guidance’ and he received feedback about how his team experienced him, i.e. aggressive and intolerant, but that that was just the way he was. The management guidance offered was in the form of EI coaching. J had been devastated by the whole process and particularly how his team viewed him, so he embraced the EI coaching.

He completed the questionnaire, and the results showed that he had a low Self Regard and Regard for Others, and also low Self Awareness and Awareness of Others. So his life position was I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK.

During the initial sessions, J explored his Self Worth with his coach. He had a very high Be Perfect condition of worth. He soon came to realise that the person he was the most condemning of was himself. He started to work at accepting himself as he was, warts and all! He discovered that his judgment of others started to fall away as his judgment of himself was diminishing and his self acceptance increasing.

Printable version of this article

Printable version of complete ezine

The following tips are great ways to increase your Self Regard. They are taken from the first of Michael Bungay-Stanier’s Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun:

Stop hiding who you really are

Michael’s suggestions for discovering who you really are:

	Take time to figure out what makes up your DNA
	When it comes down to it, what do you stand for?
	And then, when you know who you are, turn up the volume!

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of someone else.”
Judy Garland, actress

© Box of Crayons 2004
www.EightPrinciples.com

* Michael also provided this issue’s EI Tip of the month.

Printable version of this article

Printable version of complete ezine

EI Development from the CAEI

For EI development to be effective it needs to be:
Individual-oriented – because each person’s EI development needs are different
Developmental – starting with an assessment and continuing with supported development
About attitudes – developing emotionally intelligent attitudes and habits that lead to effective self and relationship management
Over time – to sustain the changes in attitudes and habits over the long term
Ethical – provided by qualified practitioners who have developed their own EI

For organisations: we either work with you to design and implement effective EI development programmes specific to your needs, or we run ‘Train the Trainer’ programmes to provide your organisation with people who have the necessary attitudes and skills to implement long-term EI strategies.

For individuals: we provide individual programmes for developing your personal EI, or practitioner courses if you are seeking to specialise in EI to help develop others.

How we can help you

EI Awareness Seminars and keynotes

Awareness workshops for organisations, and conference keynotes, plenary and workshops

Delivered by the Faculty and AppliedEI™ practitioner team

Certificate in Applied Emotional Intelligence
(EI Practitioner programme)

A 9-month certificated action learning programme of 4 modules. Explores EI in depth, including personal EI development, application of EI in teams, leadership and organisations, and comparing various schools of thought. Entry requirement for AppliedEITM Practitioner status

2006 are being re-scheduled starting in May. Places still available.

Guided self development programme based around the including comprehensive manual, with telephone/email coaching support

Available as a stand alone programme, or as a continuing development to other CAEI programmes

and standard accreditation

3-day exploration of the and profiling tools leading to accreditation

AppliedEI™ in Leadership

Bespoke programme designed to meet the specific EI needs of your in-house leadership programme

Recommended to be run with outdoor experiential learning for accelerated EI development

AppliedEI™ in Teams

Individual team developments designed to meet specific needs. Often starting with team culture diagnosis with the , followed by experiential development, and possible individual assessment through the

Can be provided on-site as a facilitated workshop, off-site as an away-day, or as an outdoor team experience.

Help in implementing EI-based programmes to your specific needs

Follow-up and developmental support recommended

Centre for Applied Emotional Intelligence
Buckholdt House, The Street, Frampton on Severn, Glos, GL2 7ED
Tel: 01452 741106 Fax: 01452 741520
Email: info@appliedei.co.uk
Web: www.emotionalintelligence.co.uk

Applied EI will use the email address you submit for the sole purpose of providing you with our monthly ezine. Applied EI will not sell or distribute your email address to third parties. Applied EI will honour all requests to unsubscribe from our ezine. All the contents of this e-zine are © CAEI 2005. For permission to reproduce any part for commercial purposes please contact the CAEI at the address above. ie and the ie logo, and te and the te logo, are trademarks of JCA (Occupational Psychologists) Limited. JCA reserves all rights and is the exclusive worldwide publisher (www.ie-te.co.uk). AppliedEI logo © CAEI. © photos by www.istockphoto.com. This ezine designed & produced by MGCreative Ltd (www.mgcreative.co.uk)

Individual Effectiveness Scale 1: Self Regard

Self Regard (or Self Esteem) is Scale 1 of the questionnaire and is defined as ‘the degree to which we value and accept ourselves’. It forms the cornerstone of our theory of emotional intelligence and the use of the instrument. It is therefore the first of the 17 scales we shall be considering in this and subsequent articles. Self Regard manifests as the feelings (emotional state) we have about our self concept (our identity or being, which may be conscious or unconscious) and can be considered in three parts: our sense of belonging our sense of personal power (self efficacy) our sense of self acceptance or unique value. Many of our readers will be familiar with the EI framework shown below, but may not have recognised how fundamentally all these four processes are affected by an individual’s Self Regard. This is perhaps best understood if we take into account that it is not just a question of a person having low or high unconditional self regard in absolute terms. Most of us, most of the time, tend to believe (if unconsciously) “I am only OK / acceptable /worthy if I …., and if I don’t ………, then I am not OK / unacceptable / unworthy.” In other words, our OKness is conditional. What the condition(s) are will vary from person to person, depending largely on how the grown-ups treated us when we were children. Common Conditions of Worth 1. Be Strong This is the commonest condition of worth in the UK, particularly among men. Be Strong = Don’t have, or at least don’t express, feelings or needs 2. Be Perfect In other words Never be in the wrong; never make a mistake, however small. 3. Please Others This is often common in women, and in people in the helping professions. Please Others = Put others first and keep them happy. 4. Try hard … (and don’t succeed) This is also common in men in the UK. In other words It is the trying that counts, not the achievement: suffering earns merit. 5. Hurry Up Be quick and do lots of things at once; never relax or take your time. The extent to which these conditions of worth influence our behaviour patterns is great because the experience of feeling “Not OK” is so unpleasant: we will do whatever is required to avoid that. The condition of worth that has the most direct impact is the commonest one: Be Strong. Since being self aware involves being aware of our body and our feelings and needs, to the extent that we have a Be Strong condition of worth, then we will be likely to inhibit our self awareness, on which all the other processes depend. For example, people with a Be Strong condition of worth tend to be very bad at self management, particularly if the Be Strong is combined with a Try Hard. Another example: people with a Please Others condition of worth will have problems with relationship management, even though they focus on this area. They will tend to be overdependent in personal relationships. They will be conflict avoidant and in order to please others and avoid conflict, they will often fail to stand up for themselves as they need to. They will often be inhibited about expressing their own feelings and needs (especially if the Please Others is combined with a Be Strong) – after all, it is the others who matter, not them. Self Acceptance In order to be fully self aware, you need to come from a position of unconditional self acceptance. For example, a boy who is brought up to believe that “boys mustn’t be scared” will not allow himself (as a boy, or later as a man) to be in touch with his fear. He will suppress it, and perhaps convert it into something else; such people sometimes act angry (and believe themselves to be angry) as a substitute for the fear that they do not allow themselves to feel. You will only allow yourself to see yourself as you really are, warts and all, if you believe that you are unconditionally OK, valuable and lovable, however you are. Otherwise the realisation that you are not fulfilling your conditions of worth, will provoke feelings of Not OKness, which are too painful to handle. Self Regard and the EI Framework Because Self Regard is so integrally linked with Self awareness, and Self awareness is the cornerstone of the EI framework, then Self Regard is the cornerstone of the cornerstone of EI. This is evidenced by the high correlation between Self Regard scores and scores on all the self management scales: scales 5 to 10. These are arranged in order of the size of the correlation, so that the strongest connection is with Scale 5 Emotional Resilience. To the extent that you feel good about yourself, then to that extent you will find it easy to pick yourself up when things go wrong. But if your Self Regard is low, or is highly conditional, then you will take knocks hard and find it difficult to recover. Similarly with Scale 6, Personal Power: the higher your Self Regard, the more you are likely to see yourself as in charge of your life and the generator of your life outcomes, rather than the passive victim of others. And with Scale 7 Goal Directedness: the higher your Self Regard, the more likely you are to be effectively focussed on your personal goals, rather than drifting through life passively. We also know that Self Regard forms one half of the life positions (see An overview of the Eight Principles Jo Maddock’s article in Issue 09) model, in combination with Regard for Others. However, they are not independent of one another, as we shall see in next month’s article. Not only does Self Regard underlie the ‘life positions’ model, and link significantly with our overall model of the four processes of emotional intelligence, it also, in combination with Regard for Others, forms one of the eight principles of emotional intelligence. Following Principle 3 People are different, we have Principle 4 However you, and they, are is OK. Thus a fundamental aspect of being emotionally intelligent is to hold the “I’m OK. You’re OK.” life position, which we call the emotionally intelligent, or healthy, position. As it says on the front page of this e-zine every month “It’s all about attitude”, and the most fundamental attitude of all is your attitude towards yourself, closely followed by your attitude to other people in general. Let us also link Self Regard to Timothy Gallwey’s concept of interferences. (The Inner Game Book Series which introduce the formula Performance = Potential – Interference.) These interferences are the beliefs and attitudes left over from childhood which inhibit our acting with emotional intelligence. The biggest interference of all, potentially, is the sense that we are not OK, i.e. a sense of low self regard. Babies are born with a sense of their own worth (or at least have this as soon as they acquire a sense of self). They only lose this, partially or largely, as a result of the unhelpful ways in which they are treated by the adults. Very often the most significant step towards being able to act with emotional intelligence is the identification and dismantling of this most fundamental of interferences: the shift from an attitude of one’s Not OKness to an attitude of unconditional OKness / acceptance (at least most of the time), from low Self Regard to high Self Regard. Finally, a caveat: high self regard needs to be genuine. There are those who put themselves forward as very pleased with themselves, but who underneath feel Not OK about themselves. We shall look at these in more detail, and talk about how to identify them, in next month’s article on Scale 2, Regard for Others. Case study: J had been through a disciplinary procedure following a complaint from one of his team members. It was recommended he be given ‘management guidance’ and he received feedback about how his team experienced him, i.e. aggressive and intolerant, but that that was just the way he was. The management guidance offered was in the form of EI coaching. J had been devastated by the whole process and particularly how his team viewed him, so he embraced the EI coaching. He completed the questionnaire, and the results showed that he had a low Self Regard and Regard for Others, and also low Self Awareness and Awareness of Others. So his life position was I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK. During the initial sessions, J explored his Self Worth with his coach. He had a very high Be Perfect condition of worth. He soon came to realise that the person he was the most condemning of was himself. He started to work at accepting himself as he was, warts and all! He discovered that his judgment of others started to fall away as his judgment of himself was diminishing and his self acceptance increasing. © Tim Sparrow (Centre for Applied Emotional Intelligence) and Jo Maddocks (JCA) Printable version of this article Printable version of complete ezine Back to top


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