Issue 16 July 2006 Summer is here at last, which means we all take a month's break from producing the ezine. So the next issue will be a special edition for the AppliedEI Conference in September. We’d like your help. In order to book ourselves solid for the CAEI’s inaugural conference, we’d be delighted if you would forward this link, or this ezine, to at least two people (those responsible for improving performance) or organisations who would benefit from knowing about what this conference offers them: http://www.emotionalintelligence.co.uk/conference06/conference.htm You may also want to remind them what they get: • Free Individual Effectiveness Profile and feedback (worth £100+) • Client Case Studies within the Conference sessions – i.e. real life examples of EI in practice in organisations • Guest speakers • Seminars • Exhibition & book sales • Networking with people who are leading the way in emotional intelligence • Optional open access high ropes course • CD complete with notes from each session • Refreshments & Lunch Thank you. Till September then, we leave you with a very informative and authentic article from Amanda Knight on The EI FIRO Link, in which Amanda shares her experience of the FIRO® Elements and AppliedEI™. Tim Sparrow continues our regular feature providing us with an in depth look at the Individual Effectiveness scales; this month we have Scale 5 - Emotional Resilience. Finally, we welcome Jeff Kelly who has written a review article on me + you = Jeff provides solutions for Growth, Development and Performance (GDP) for senior, middle managers and teams at B&Q. With this, we wish you a great summer break and hope to meet you on 20 September for what promises to be a really stimulating and rewarding event. Thank you for forwarding the conference link. If you use any of the articles from AppliedEI, we request that you acknowledge copyright to the CAEI and include www.appliedei.co.uk or www.emotionalintelligence.co.uk in the credits. Maureen Bowes Editor In this Issue: The Applied EI / FIRO Link Individual Effectiveness Scale: Emotional Resilience Review article: me + you = Features Index Products and Services listing	Please contact us with any comments or contributions: e-zine@appliedei.co.uk Please feel free to email this issue on to anyone you think would benefit from this ezine. This ezine can also be viewed online at: www.emotionalintelligence.co.uk/ ezine/issue16.html Past Issues can also be viewed online: Issue 1, Issue 2, Issue 3, Issue 4, Issue 5, Issue 6, Issue 7, Issue 8, Issue 9, Issue 10, Issue 11, Issue 12, Issue 13, Issue 14, Issue 15 Special AppliedEI conference edition Register now Did someone forward this to you? To subscribe, click the link below. Subscribe You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Wayne Gretzky Activate Training who sponsor this ezine are development training partners of the CAEI. www.activate-training.co.uk

The Applied EI / FIRO Link by Amanda Knight

FIRO® is the brainchild of Will Schutz, an American academic and psychologist who examined the various psychological and spiritual constructs that had evolved by the middle of the 20th century to create, in the 50s, an extensive theory of interpersonal relationships that he called the ‘Fundamental Interpersonal Relationship Orientation’. Schutz then updated this model during the 1980s and renamed it the FIRO Elements®. As is my way when I am researching and developing new ways to help people understand AppliedEI™, I always try new exercises and frameworks out on myself first. If they work for me, then I know I can trust the process or underlying philosophy, and am then happy to share these with others who may then find them useful for developing their own self knowledge. I recently attended the Human Element® programme, a 5 day in-depth personal development course built around the FIRO Elements® framework. I was desperately hoping to experience an ‘A-ha’ moment – a significant insight into my own way of being that would enable me to value the FIRO Elements® framework as a significant addition to my development portfolio. I am delighted to say that I was not disappointed. My ‘A-ha’ moment happened on Day 3, and provided me with an understanding to an unresolved issue – was my tendency to be introverted a conditioned response or a natural aspect of myself; ie. was it choiceful or automated? I will come back to this a little later. Looking at the two frameworks But first let us take a look at the FIRO Elements® framework, and its links to AppliedEI™. To understand how these two can work together, we first need to be clear about the ontological relationship between the concepts of emotional intelligence and FIRO Elements® – which level of being they each address. Emotional intelligence just is. We all have it. We all think, feel and do. Our emotional intelligence enables us to integrate our thinking, feeling and doing effectively so that we may function optimally as a human being. We each use our emotional intelligence and develop it to varying degrees and in different ways. AppliedEI™ is the practice of integrating our thinking with our feeling when choosing what to do. It is the practice of using and developing our emotional intelligence to achieve our potential by managing our internal interferences – in other words, understanding and doing something about how we get in our own way of realising this potential, which then impacts on our performance, effectiveness, health, happiness, success … This is defined very succinctly in the formula devised by Tim Gallwey in his ‘Inner Game’ books: Performance = potential - interference. FIRO Elements® on the other hand is an interpersonal development framework. It is a means by which we can develop our emotional intelligence. Its structure helps us to understand how we are currently thinking and feeling, along with the choices we are making, so that we can do something about these if we are not creating the outcomes we desire. It has similarities in its components to the AppliedEI™ framework, with self esteem as the bottom line, and self awareness as the key to self esteem development. This means that, it can be used as an effective AppliedEI™ development method. This is defined in a summary of Schutz’s philosophy: • At the heart of all human functioning is the self • The best solutions to organisational and leadership issues require self awareness as an essential first step • Deeper self awareness leads to self-acceptance and then self-esteem • As individuals gain self awareness and self esteem, they become more open and honest with their co-workers. The correlations with AppliedEI™ can be seen in the AppliedEI™ model of emotional intelligence: Each of the two multiple intelligences which make up our emotional intelligence is composed first of an awareness, and then a category of effective management. As you can see from the causal arrows, our self awareness is needed to be truly aware of others (rather than projecting our assumptions on to them), and underpins our ability to be self managing. Awareness of others is clearly crucial for managing our relationships effectively, as is our responsibility for how we manage ourselves in our relationships. And following the causal arrows back always takes us back to our Self awareness. This model is underpinned by two aspects which in combination affect all the elements of emotional intelligence These are Self Regard (self esteem) and Regard for Others. These two initial scales correlate with the concept in TA of ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’. Our personal sense of ‘OKness’ refers to the degree to which we value and accept ourselves as we are, warts and all. Similarly the ‘OKness’ we feel about others refers to the degree to which we value and accept others as they are, warts and all, even though they may be very different to us. The significance of ‘OKness’ is that it relates to a person’s ‘being’, and not their ‘doing’. The process of raising our Self Regard and Regard for Others is implemented through the AppliedEI™ model. So we can see how the philosophies behind the FIRO Elements® and AppliedEI™ are synergistic. Both define that self esteem is at the core of our being, that we need to raise our self awareness to raise our self esteem (assuming we have enough self esteem in the first place to be able to have an awareness of self), and that this will enable us to present a more open, honest and self managing version of ourself to the world. More about the FIRO Elements® model This is how the Human Element® workbook and manual define the FIRO® model. FIRO® was given its name because it signifies the basic idea that every person orients themselves in characteristic ways towards other people, and the basic belief that knowledge of these orientations allows for considerable understanding of individual behaviour in the interaction with people. An interpersonal need is one that may be satisfied only through the attainments of a satisfactory relation with other people. Schutz has postulated three key dimensions (which are now called ‘elements’) that affect all interpersonal relations. These are most commonly called: Inclusion Control Openness (or Affection) He also presents evidence of how these three elements recur in published literature* albeit under different names. He claims that they are the most fundamental components of our personality and interpersonal needs but that they affect both our feelings and our behaviours. Thus he uses different names for these different manifestations and he links them to the self-concept. The table below presents these together so you can understand the relationship between the different labels: Behaviour Inclusion Control Openness Feelings Significance Competence Likeability Fears Being ignored Being humiliated Being rejected Self-concept behaviours Aliveness Self determination Self awareness Self-concept feelings Self significance Self competent Self likeability DEFENCE MECHANISMS SELF ESTEEM – the bottom line Here’s what Schutz meant by each of the ‘elements’: Inclusion Achieving an optimal amount of contact with people: IN or OUT Control Achieving an optimal amount of control over people: TOP or BOTTOM Openness Achieving an optimal amount of personal openness with people: OPEN or CLOSED Significance Feelings about importance, presence, worthiness of attention, a sense of making a difference Competence Feelings of worthwhileness, of value, of coping and handling problems and issues Likeability Feelings of acceptance, friendliness, of confiding in and belonging, of being liked Aliveness I experience all of myself, I am fully alive Self determination I determine my own life, I decide for myself, I am responsible for myself Self awareness I understand myself, including my feelings, thoughts, actions and sensations Self significance I am important, I feel significant, I make a difference Self competent I am capable of coping with the situations presented by life Self likeability I am lovable and likeable, I like the person I am Defence mechanisms: according to Schutz we will usually become defensive when we fear rejection, humiliation, or being ignored. It takes effort to remain unaware of self, and we may use various defence mechanisms; but they are only temporary relief. The only answer is to deal with our true feelings. FIRO Elements® applied Whilst at a technical level we at the CAEI may not agree with the ontological design of the FIRO Elements® model, and the definitions of some of the elements (is competence a feeling or a belief?), the FIRO Elements® framework provides useful tools and exercises for EI development if used with considered application. I mentioned earlier that I had experienced a significant insight into my own self-concept during the Human Element® programme. During the years of my own EI development, I have been curious about my self-perceived introversion. Certainly according to my Myers Briggs personality profile, I am an INFP – an introverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiver! In Myers Briggs terms my introversion is about where I get my energy from – for me I get it from myself. And this I certainly find to be true. When I need to recharge my batteries the most effective way is to spend time on my own reflecting and relaxing. Equally though, I find my energy affected by the company I’m with. For example, in the past, when I’ve been running a group session I have been very aware of how I’ve allowed my own energy to be affected by the energy of the group. In particular if a group has been challenged by the concepts I’m sharing with them, and their reactions are defensive, I have observed myself slipping into my ‘I’m Not OK, You’re OK’ life position, perceiving their need to be defensive as a reflection of a lack in my facilitation skills in helping them to stay in an ‘OK’ place. An easy defence mechanism for me would be to withdraw into my introversion when I’m feeling like this. Obviously, in this kind of situation that would be rather unhelpful! So, I would need to practise my AppliedEI™, and manage my internal interferences to bring myself back into ‘I’m OK’. Indeed this is a common problem for many trainers when dealing with challenging or disinterested groups. I had therefore reflected often on my introversion to see if it was in fact a natural part of my personality, or a conditioned response when I slipped into ‘I’m Not OK’. I had not managed to draw any conclusions except that sometimes when I was in an introverted mood I felt good, and at others I felt not so good. On Day 3 of the Human Element® programme we were looking at the Self-concept aspects of Aliveness, Self Determination, and Self Awareness. I had no issues at all with the latter two – I know I am in complete control of my destiny, and have developed a high level of Self awareness over the years. But Aliveness – did I always feel fully alive? And this was when it hit me - no, I don’t always feel alive! And when I’m not feeling fully alive, I’m realised it’s when I’m usually not feeling OK, and I want to slink into an introverted space. But, there are many times when I feel fully alive, and am also in an introverted space … So, I had my answer – introversion is both a natural aspect of me, and a conditioned response! I have since played with this, particularly in group situations, and have found that I can easily feel myself into a place of ‘aliveness’ or ‘well-being’ and I can maintain this state even when faced with others who don’t feel so ‘alive’ for whatever reason. And in fact, my ‘aliveness’ has often had a positive impact on the people I’m with. The important thing that I have noticed is that the ‘aliveness’ has to be real – pretending to be ‘alive’ is exhausting, and fallible. Choosing the feeling state is exactly that – a choice – another fundamental aspect shared by the frameworks of FIRO Elements® and AppliedEI™. But for the choice to be true, the original feelings of non-aliveness have to also be released – I have created a simple ritual of breathing and visualisation to help me do this. ~ 0 ~ AppliedEI™ is about managing, and ultimately dismantling our interferences. My experience of the FIRO Elements® model is that it provides useful ways for raising awareness of internal interferences, in particular some of the exercises on the Human Element® programme are excellent for developing openness with others. So the FIRO Elements® can be very useful for developing the Self awareness, Awareness of others, and Personal openness and connectedness scales of the questionnaire. Used within an AppliedEI™ framework, FIRO Elements®, as well as other constructs such as NLP, can help create a rich and powerful personal and team development intervention. We will explore the links between NLP and AppliedEI™ in a future ezine. Further information about the FIRO® Elements and the Human Element programme is available from JCA (Occupational Psychologists) Ltd 01242 239238 http://www.jca.biz/microsites/elementb/Courses.htm © Amanda Knight (Centre for Applied Emotional Intelligence) References Descriptions of the FIRO Elements® framework were taken from: The Human Element® programme manual; JCA (Occupational Psychologists) Limited 08/04. The Human Element® Three Day workbook; Business Consultants Network, Inc 1987-2005. *The Human Element by Will Schutz, and The Human Element at Work edited by Rhonda Parkyns and Rosa Walden, both published by BCon WSA International Inc. Printable version of this article Printable version of complete ezine

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Emotional Resilience by Tim Sparrow and Jo Maddocks

Having covered in this series each of the fundamental general scales which affect all other aspects of emotional intelligence (the life position scales – Scales 1 Self Regard and 2 Regard for Others, and the awareness scales – Scales 3 Self Awareness and 4 Awareness of Others), it is now time to turn to the first of the self management scales: Scale 5 Emotional Resilience. This is defined as “the degree to which you are able to pick yourself up and bounce back when things go badly for you”. And its relationship to the life position scales is simple and clear: “to hold on to our worth and ability in the face of disappointment or rejection, we definitely need to believe "I'm OK", and to remain hopeful in a world filled with other people, we need to believe "You're OK" too.” When we looked at the very first scale, Self Regard, in Issue 11 last February we noted “the high correlation between Self Regard scores and scores on all the self management scales: scales 5 to 10”, and that “these are arranged in order of the size of the correlation, so that the strongest connection is with Scale 5 Emotional Resilience. How easily you pick yourself up when things go wrong will be determined by how good you feel about yourself. But if your Self Regard is low, or is highly conditional, then you will take knocks hard and find it difficult to recover.” A particularly important area of application of emotional resilience is in the realm of stress. This is sometimes experienced as a rather confusing concept, because the objective and subjective aspects of the notion of stress, the external and the internal sources of stress, are not adequately distinguished. It is certainly true that stress has its objective, external sources: if we find ourselves in a situation where more is expected of us than we have the resources (particularly of time and of energy) to produce, most of us will experience that as stressful. However, people’s response to such a situation will vary according to internal factors, so that different people will experience the same external situation as very stressful or perhaps hardly stressful at all. This is perhaps most easily understood by looking at it in terms of Dr Alex Concorde’s stress formula which states that stress occurs when: where demands (D) are greater than the resources (R) available over a period of time (T). The crucial thing here are that the demands may be internal as well as external – indeed, in extreme cases the excess of demands over the resources available to meet them may be entirely due to internal rather than external demands. This is what is happening when Person A experiences a given situation as significantly stressful, whereas Person B does not experience the same situation as stressful at all. The external demands are the same in the two cases, but Person A has to deal with a load of internal demands as well. So what are these internal demands? We have already hinted at them when saying that a cause of difficulty in coping with setbacks is either low Self Regard or highly conditional self regard. As we saw in Issue 11, “it is not just a question of a person having low or high unconditional self regard in absolute terms. Most of us, most of the time, tend to believe (if unconsciously) “I am only OK / acceptable /worthy if I ……… (please others, achieve perfection, am strong….), and if I don’t ………, then I am not OK / unacceptable / unworthy.” In other words, our OKness is conditional. What the condition(s) are will vary from person to person, depending largely on how the grown-ups treated us when we were children. Common Conditions of Worth 1. Be Strong This is the commonest condition of worth in the UK, particularly among men. Be Strong = Don’t have, or at least don’t express, feelings or needs 2. Be Perfect In other words Never be in the wrong; never make a mistake, however small. 3. Please Others This is often common in women, and in people in the helping professions. Please Others = Put others first and keep them happy. 4. Try hard … (and don’t succeed) This is also common in men in the UK. In other words It is the trying that counts, not the achievement: suffering earns merit. 5. Hurry Up Be quick and do lots of things at once; never relax or take your time. The extent to which these conditions of worth influence our behaviour patterns is great because the experience of feeling “Not OK” is so unpleasant: we will do whatever is required to avoid that. These conditions of worth may be regarded, therefore, as insistent internal demands: indeed, in TA speak they are often colloquially referred to as “drivers”, because they drive our behaviour. Bearing in mind that “choicefulness” is a useful synonym for emotional intelligence, it becomes clear that the extent to which our behaviour is driven by our need to fulfil these internal conditions of worth, it is likely not to be emotionally intelligent behaviour. What makes things worse is that while each of these conditions of worth is in itself an undermining distraction (an “interference” in Timothy Gallwey’s terms), they have an even more deleterious effect when they are combined. For example, we may have a lot to do in a limited period of time, but it is doable. Verging on the stressful, but not actually stressful. But if we believe that we must do all these things very fast, without resting ourselves in the process, i.e. if we have a Hurry Up condition of worth, then it is going to be hard for us to do them all without suffering from stress. Similarly, if we have to do them all not just well enough but perfectly, without making the slightest mistake, i.e. if we have a Be Perfect condition of worth, again it is going to be hard for us to do them all without suffering from stress. And if we have both a Be Perfect and a Hurry Up, so that we have to do them all at top speed and yet without making the slightest error, then it is extremely likely that we are going to end up feeling stressed. Similarly if we have a Try Hard (but don’t succeed) and a Be Strong. It follows from all this that very often the best strategy for raising one’s emotional resilience, and one’s capacity to deal with potentially stressful situations, will be to move away from conditional OKness to unconditional OKness, by enhancing one’s Self Regard. The other thing that it is important to bear in mind about both our stress response and our capacity for emotional resilience is the strong physical element involved. Dr Concorde’s work has established much of the detail about the involvement of the body’s endocrine and immune systems. An important implication of this physical element is the importance of Self Awareness. People seldom score high on Scale 5 Emotional Resilience if they do not also score high on Scale 3 Self Awareness, as well as on Scale 1 Self Regard. If we are to be emotionally resilient and to avoid stress responses, we need to be attuned to our body and the messages it is giving us about what it needs. And then to do something about it. As we sometimes put it: “the body only screams when we don’t listen to its whispers”. It is important also to bear in mind that although Emotional Resilience is a self management scale, it is hard to be emotionally resilient and to avoid stress responses all on one’s own. Human beings are social animals, and when we are up against it we need social support. A high score on Scale 9 Personal Openness and Connectedness will stand us in good stead as we try to develop our Emotional Resilience. And a Be Strong condition of worth will be a significant hindrance. © Tim Sparrow (Centre for Applied Emotional Intelligence) and Jo Maddocks (JCA) Printable version of this article Printable version of complete ezine Back to top